Tuesday, April 27, 2010

He restores my soul

The past 48 hours have been trying and rather emotional, to say the least. Nothing extravagant or traumatic has happened, really. But every now and then I reach my limit with Billy's traveling schedule. Every time Billy takes a trip, which is usually every week, God sustains me and meets me where I'm at each and every time. Every so often I hit my limit...where I just don't think I'm emotionally able to keep saying goodbye for a few days just to say hello for 24-48 hours, to then say goodbye again. It's not always this vigorous, but in those moments where I reach my limit you would think my husband is a soldier fighting in Afghanistan who has been gone for 18 months. Not so much the case.

I could write out the whole story, but I think that would put me back a few steps and keep me dwelling on the unfortunate. So we'll just start with this morning...this morning I was emotionally and physically drained. I was supposed to pick Billy up at 9:35 this morning. Shortly after I woke up, knowing that I was in a not so great emotional state I sent an e-mail to friends asking for prayers knowing that I was going to desperately need supernatural energy, patience, and and generosity to make it through today. A few minutes later I get a phone call that put icing on my already drained cake saying that Billy missed his connecting flight...so he will now be home for 24 hours to the minute. Now my sweet husband is emotionally and physically drained. After I got off the phone I found myself in tears again over the small stuff crying out to the Lord - about the very little stuff like my husband missing his flight. And I sat there playing with Luke as he's just giggling and cooing away totally avoiding the obvious. You know those moments when you know know know with everything in you that you should speak up to the Lord, but you just realllllly don't feel like it? Maybe it's just me. But today was one of those times. In my mind I'm thinking, "I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to deal with it. So I'll just mope about it, thank you very much." So in the midst of my tears I started pouring out my heart to Him, the only things coming to mind were thanks and praises to Him for all sorts of things. And then begging for strength and energy and for a glad and servant's heart to welcome my husband home and make the best of our short time together. And then praying for my husband, who is completely exhausted when all he wants to be doing is eating breakfast with us and soaking up some quality time instead of sitting in the airport drinking halfway decent coffee.
My very specific requests were as follows:
-pray that I would have supernatural energy to make it through this next day
-that I would have patience with Billy's schedule
-that I would stop dwelling on the crapiness of this situation
-that I would look for opportunities to serve Billy when he gets home
-And lastly that I would still find ways to praise Him in the midst of the tears

And would you believe it, just like He always does, He restored my soul. And I am singing songs of praise to my sustainer and creator on this beautiful day.
Thank you for....
#26 - letting my husband arrive safely in Chicago and get sleep on the plane.
#27 - my dear sisters in Christ that will lift me up in prayer
#28 - giving Billy a job that allows me the opportunity to stay home with Lucas
#29 - Billy's patience and hardworking attitude and desire to provide for us
#30 - for Luke's handsome smile and sweet excitement that greeted me this morning when I got him out of his crib
#31 - my generous mom that offered to fly Luke and I to New Mexico with Billy, even though it didn't work out
#32 - sleep for Luke and I this morning during nap time :)
#33 - a very healthy and happy baby
#34 - the gift of technology
#35 - restoring my soul this morning.

This verse spoke to me greatly this morning...

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, HE RESTORES MY SOUL....He guides me in paths of righteousness for HIS name's sake.
Psalm 23:1-3



Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Intentional Gratitude Post #2

I have much to be thankful for...and on days that I find myself getting frustrated or distracted from the many blessings He's given us, it is amazing how spending time praising Him turns things around so very quickly.

Lord, thank you so much for

#10 - The miracle of LIFE.
#11 - getting to watch Luke grab his blanket and pull it up to his cheeks on purpose.
#12 - Bringing my husband home safely from Missouri
#13 - Peanut M&M's that Billy picked up on his way home from the airport - and a husband who picks up on little things that make me smile, like a bag of peanut M&M's
#14 - Grandaddy Paul who is here to visit and who is so great with Luke. Another morning out to run errands was such a blessing.
#15 - fellow moms that make themselves available for my MANY questions throughout the day...and my other fellow moms that spend time venting with me as we figure out what the heck we're doing :)
#16 - the opportunity to stay at home and watch my son grow daily.
#17 - a weekend away on the coast with my family
#18 - Always meeting me where I'm at, no matter what. Your timing is perfect and Your Word speaks to me in fresh ways on a regular basis. And even not so regular when I put spending time with you last. Thank your for your patience with me.
#19 - My friend Julianne that spends the night with me when Billy is out of town, making me feel more safe and able to sleep better knowing someone else is in the house.
#20 - Our dog, Wyatt... Forgive me for losing patience with him on a regular basis.
#21 - A day with my brother and sister in law yesterday in Wilmington, and the BEAUTIFUL weather
#22 - the clouds today - I was needing some clouds.
#23 - a kitchen full of food...we are so thankful for Your provision.
#24 - Luke getting at least 1 good nap today instead through all of them.
#25 - Most of all, thanks for waiting on me. Thanks for sticking around when I find myself drained at the end of the day and not wanting to spend time with you. Thanks for not giving up when I wake up in the morning and put other things first. Thanks for choosing love all the time.

Lately we have been trying to conquer naps. Lucas - aka "Mr. No Nap" isn't too crazy about his daily naps. He loves to get in his crib and he loves to get snuggled in his blanket - preferably over his cheeks and up to his nose with his bear thingy covering his eyes - but about 45 min. into his nap, he wakes up. Not nicely, but instead screaming. Every nap we try something new. So far, today he's had a morning nap that halfway worked, an afternoon nap that halfway worked, and we'll see how this 2nd afternoon nap goes :) Despite the many guessing games we play on a daily basis, the poopy pants, cryfests during nap time, and the other various challenges that come with raising a child, I absolutely LOVE being a mom. I love the gift of being a parent and I love watching him change daily. I've learned to just laugh in the midst of my frustrations and roll with it. Every day is something new and God continues to generously give me wisdom, patience and understanding in this exciting adventure.

We are getting ready to go away for our first weekend as a family of 3 (4 if you count Wyatt. I can say with confidence that he thinks he is the center of this family). I'm very excited to get away and trying to wrap my mind around what all it takes to travel with a baby. Thankfully he's in the sleepy-car stage so driving won't be so bad, and I'm convinced I can fit all of the baby paraphernalia in one duffel bag. Am I crazy?? Probably.

Monday, April 5, 2010

I give up on iweb

I've been using Iweb to blog here and there, in the midst of adjusting to being a mom and all the responsibilities associated with that...but I'm new to macs and I have no idea how to work iweb when it comes to sharing it with others. So, I've given up for now and have posted them all to the old bloggaroo. Hope everyone had a happy Easter - here's the latest from our home to yours!


Easter family photo



The Pleasants come for a visit



Just smiling at my mommy

Aunt Nikki came to visit, too!




The Small Things

Since the dramatic (and slightly traumatic) birth of our son, Luke, we have been bombarded with hospital bills. I think every day we get a surprise in the mail. Thankfully, we have insurance, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to meet every out of pocket max for each member of the family by April 15. Because of the big bills we’ve really had to watch our money wisely, more carefully than before, which is especially hard for me. I like to buy things, namely clothes or baby items, but I’ve had to crack down on my spending habits. Lately I’ve really wanted to get Luke a different diaper bag. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, right? I don’t really like his and it makes me frustrated every time I have to use it - it folds up or I can’t find something in one of the 183 pockets on the inside. I’ve been looking very specifically and some LLBean totes with his name on it, but have been reminded by my dear husband that it wouldn’t be wise right now and hospital bills or getting out of debt might be higher on the list :) Tonight, some sweet friends came to visit Luke for the first time. And would you believe, that their gift to Luke happened to be the very LLBean bag I’ve been looking at for a month? And I can assure you that I did not tell them or anyone else about it. Even though it’s such a small thing, it reminded me that God cares even about the small day to day stuff...Praise Him. I can’t help but smile every time I see those little letters on Luke’s new bag :)

First day of intentional gratitude

I was challenged this week by a friend’s precious list to start living with intentional gratitude. So many times throughout the day my prayers to the Lord look like this:

“Lord, please let him sleep...”

“Lord, please bring him home safely...”

“Lord, give me patience.”

“Lord, help me to be a servant right now.”

“Lord, help me fall asleep.”

Yet He has given me SO much and I often forget to spend time thanking him throughout the day with intention. So here we go:

Lord, thank You for...

1-Luke’s first intentional sweet smiles this morning.

2-a hot, QUIET shower, without any crying in the background :)

3-grandparents so close and the my opportunity to go grocery shopping this morning knowing Luke was getting snuggled by a loved one.

4-friends that want to pray for us.

5-technology and being able to communicate with Billy in various ways while he is on the road traveling.

6-peace while Billy is traveling. And my sweet friends and family that take care of me while he is away.

7-the fabulous hot chocolate I had last night.

8-being there, always, and giving me energy in the middle of the night.

9-Your words the other night reminding me to long for you alone. And thank you for a message the next morning that hit that truth home even more. Your timing is perfect.






One month ago today...




Billy and I with our boy, Lucas Michael, on Saturday, February 13...the day he was discharged out of the NICU into our room :)


One month ago today, our precious son, Lucas Michael, was born. The first two weeks I didn’t want to think about our story. It was rough and hard to think about for a while. But I have been replaying our birth story over and over in my head for the past two weeks thinking, “I need to write this down so I don’t forget.”

In church we just finished a series titled, I Will. It was awesome and once again challenged Billy and I to step out and trust God in new ways. When I think back on our birth story and the weeks following I am reminded of the children’s song that we have referenced multiple times throughout our series at Southbridge Fellowship that I single daily to Luke: My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there is NOTHING my God cannot do. This is the essence of our story...get ready, this is going to be a long one :)

I was induced on Monday night, my water broke on Tuesday morning. Everyone says that it’s a huge gush. No gush action here. First clue of the day: Baby is way over due. They broke my water again later in the day. Again, no huge gush. Hardly anything. 2nd Clue of the day: baby is way overdue. Because of this and the color they knew that Luke had a BM in my womb and would have to have the special care nurses come in after delivery to help with cleaning him off - no big deal, it happens often....

Throughout the day the Dr’s and nurses would feel my belly and guess how much Lucas weighed. Everyone guessed in the 8 lb 3oz range, estimating that he was very long but very lean. Around 11:00 am they decided they were going to increase my petocin significantly because Lucas still wasn’t dropping and I was exactly where I had been for the past 4 weeks....nowhere. My contractions thus far were really mild, but something kept telling me “Get the epidural just in case...” Praise God. The epidural was quite a pain (heh) and after the 2nd try getting it in and a wet drip that caused a migraine and vomiting for the next three hours, I was pain free and getting ready for pushing... After two hours of pushing, this is what I remember: “SHOULDERS!” - nurse slams a button, jumps on my stomach, 3 more nurses come running in, lots of blood, and everyone screaming “PUSH!!!” I close my eyes because the look on Billy’s face is slightly frightening...I scream back, “I am pushing...and so is the girl on my stomach and the three other nurses!!!!” Then I remember a vacuum and my Dr’s hands reaching in and pulling Luke on out - can we say praise the Lord I got an epidural??? He didn’t cry at first, which is good because of the meconium he was covered in. They tried to remove all that they could, but it was too late. On his way out he got stuck on my pubic bone (hence the “SHOULDERS!”) and inhaled a ton of it. I got to hold our son for a minute, and then they took him away. Billy decided to go with him just in case - not knowing the extent or severity of his issues. Oh - and when they weighed him, we did NOT have a 8 lb 3 oz. baby...try 9 lbs. 5 oz. Again - praise the Lord for the epidural.

After they took Luke out they had a lot of repair work to do on me, but they gave me a ton of pain medicine so I was happy as a clam. Looking back, it was kind of eery and I’m sure my family thought I was insane - my son was just taken to special care because he can’t breath on his own, I lost 1/3 of my blood, they’re using 6 spools of stitches to fix the damage...and I’m smiling and giggling telling everyone, Lucas Michael is here!! I think I even put on lip gloss and some powder to freshen up as they were taking care of my stitches??

I told you this was going to be long :)

A few hours later everything started to sink in. Billy was wonderful and stayed with our son while I got some food and my family came in to see me. He was very careful with the pictures and information he sent me until he was able to be in our room without any company. That night around 11:00 after all family was gone and Billy and I had a change to eat and talk about our excitement and the fact that our little boy was here (though still in special care) the neonatologist came in. The look on his face = not good. at all. He pulled up a chair and starts telling us everything that’s going on. Luke wasn’t able to get a full breath because his lungs were completely coated in meconium. He was so worked up and his body was trying so hard that it was like he went into distress. They decided to sedate him and were forced to intubate him and put him on 100% oxygen. Then the kicker - they didn’t think they had the type of facility that Lucas needed so depending on his status over the next hour or two, they would likely need to transfer him to UNC or Wake Med. While mom stayed at the hospital to recover. They estimated that the earliest time of Luke being able to come home with us would be 10 days. As it started to sink in I was just kind of shocked. I think I was more concerned about not being able to go home with him than the oxygen thing...and then the pediatrician came in. Pulled up a chair, and broke it down for us even further. At that point I think all meds started to wear off my brain and Billy finally processed with me everything that happened and that was taking place. After the pediatrician left, Billy came to the bedside and knelt down by me to pray. We closed our eyes...and silence. Nothing came out except tears. Our little boy was truly fighting with every bit of his body to try and breath on his own but just couldn’t get it. We cried out to the Lord, we asked very specifically that He would breath LIFE into Luke’s lungs, that He would heal our son and do only what He can do, that the only explanation of our son recovering would be the Lord’s mighty hand.

Through the night we slept what we were able but around 3:00 am I started to feel every bit of what happened in the previous hours. My body felt like it took a beating and NONE of the pain meds were working. I was shivering and couldn’t find any way to lay, stand, or sit that would relieve any pain. My nurse decided to take a look at everything to make sure nothing was wrong - good thing she checked. She noticed a small hematoma, which can be common and wasn’t a huge deal. But as the morning went on and I couldn’t manage to go to the bathroom, the pain only got worse and worse. For a couple hours I just laid in the bed shivering and trying to take deep breaths hoping that maybe I could relax enough to just fall asleep.

That morning at 9:00 am, the neonatologist came in and said, “We were able to take Luke off the intubator, he’s breathing on his own.” What a very specific and incredible answer to prayer! The next few hours were pretty critical. He was still under an oxygen hood and was having some assistance with the breathing, but the fact that they could remove the intubator was way more than the dr’s anticipated. My God is so great, so strong and so mighty...yep, you know the rest :) There is NOTHING my God cannot do.

A few hours later my wonderful nurse came in to see if I’d gone to the bathroom. When she realized I hadn’t gone to the bathroom yet, she quickly drained my bladder - over 1 liter!! I felt SO much better. The pain started decreasing immediately and I started to feel normal. I was determined to go visit our son. I got dressed and ready, and was feeling pretty good...considering :) The Dr’s and nurses down the hall kept saying, “Wow, Lily you look wonderful like a new person!” They were cheering me on as Billy pushed me down the hall in the wheel chair - the staff in our pod was always such an encouragement to us. We got to visit with Luke a little bit and my dr. decided to follow us. She started asking me several questions while we were visiting with Luke and for whatever reason, based on my answers, she decided she wanted to start monitoring my blood levels and immediately put me on IV antibiotics. Every two hours I was getting blood drawn. Praise the Lord for such an attentive Dr...my blood levels were rapidly dropping. That hematoma that was previously oh so little, started filling up with blood as soon as my bladder was drained. As the afternoon and evening went on, it was very obvious that I was losing blood. I wasn’t able to stay awake or focused to even have a conversation with my dr. and I couldn’t hold Luke for more than 5 minutes before my eyes would start to close. Just as soon as our son began to turn around it was like I started fading faster and faster. The next Dr. on call came in with scrubs on and broke it down for Billy and I after they did a CT scan...my hematoma was the size of a sheet of paper. It looked as though it had stopped bleeding but in order to turn around I would need a 2 pint blood transfusion to restore all that I’d lost. If the blood transfusion didn’t work, then I would go to surgery in the morning and they would seal it, then drain it. If it did seal off on it’s own, then we would watch to see if I could get by without an infection - 25% chance. If I got an infection, they would go in and drain it. After he left I just cried and cried...again? Something else? I finally start to feel better, and something is wrong. My son is doing better yet I’m not even strong enough to hold him or talk to him because after 5 minutes of anything I feel faint. Through the night it was a waiting game - checking my blood every 2 hours while getting the blood transfusion. Seeing how my white cells and my HH levels were doing. I slept through pretty much all of it and in the morning I anxiously waited for the Dr’s report. We did it...we made it through the night and my hematoma stopped bleeding! Again...God carried us through and stopped the bleeding. Throughout the day I really did start to feel a significant difference in the pain as well as my energy.

The next amazing thing - our son was moving out of the NICU into the “lesser” NICU - for us that was a big deal :) He was completely off of all oxygen, was breathing totally on his own, his lungs were free of the meconium, and he was alert as can be. When we went in to go visit, the neonatologist wanted me to try and nurse him - what?! A - there’s no way I have any milk seeing as I have been without most of my blood for the past 24 hours, and B - he’s been on IV fluids and lipids, sucking a passy for the past 48 hours...there’s no way he’s going to be able to nurse. Wrong and Wrong - against ALL odds, he learned to nurse immediately and I randomly had milk to give him. All together now - My God is so great...so strong and so mighty.... :)

Again monitoring my white blood count and my HH levels, things were looking pretty good but we were just trying to stay out of the 25% and get past the infection zone. Our Dr. came in to talk with us and said we would likely be discharged on Sunday or Monday depending on how I did through the weekend. Billy and I were spending a ton of time in the NICU with Luke and loving every minute of it. I was still trying to regain strength but it was so wonderful to finally get to hold and take care of my little one. Then, it was like Christmas. The neonatologist discharged Luke to our room...and an hour later, our Dr. came in and said we could go home that day....!!! There is NOTHING my God cannot do.

We are now home, 1 month later...and it has been a joy. The first couple weeks were pretty uncomfortable but God has been so gracious and so faithful in bringing Billy and I through this. Looking back at our nurses and dr’s, we would not have made it without them...they were truly incredible not only medically, but what an amazing support and encouragement they were to us the entire time we were there. God provided a huge support of family and friends that covered us in prayer during our stay and lifted myself and our son up to the Lord. We truly believe that our story is an amazing testimony of our sweet and powerful heavenly Father who walked us through every step of the way.

Many have wanted to blame our dr’s or wonder how this happened and why they let me go so long. My pregnancy was pretty textbook (minus the first 20 weeks of morning sickness...). I never measured above average, the first two ultrasounds were pretty normal, just a couple days off here and there (which is normal) and my body showed absolutely no signs of delivering any time soon. They did a fetal stress test late in my pregnancy, extra labs and an extra exam after a little bleeding and everything was normal. I always felt that I was further along than I was on paper, but I had nothing to show for it, so they kept the original due date. After looking at him, his size, his development, they are estimating 2-3 weeks late. We truly believe that the Dr’s took magnificent care of us and that with everything Luke and I both went through, they were the best practice for the situation and we would hands down allow them to deliver our next child.

So why am I sharing all these lovely details with you? Because I hope you will see that God, the creator of all things, the great physician, the great I AM, the wonderful counselor... should receive all the glory for our story. He brought Billy and I into this world, He reached down and chose us as HIs children and saved us, He allowed us to meet and He brought marvelous people into our lives to encourage and build us up before we were married. He has given us a community of friends and family that are constantly challenging and building us up in our faith...and now, He allowed us to give birth to our son Luke, and despite the insanity that happened while we were in the hospital, we were able to find trust in Him because of all that He has done for us in the past. He provided excellent nurses and dr’s, he took our son off oxygen and discharged him faster than any dr. in that hospital would have expected, he kept me from having surgery and with every single thing that came up, He blasted us with His goodness and kept our eyes on Him.

This past Sunday we sang a song, Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus. And friends, what a sweet sweet blessing it was during this trying time to truly trust in Jesus.



I Surrender


Here we are, February 6, 2010. In the Grimme house it is just Billy and I (plus my belly) and of course, Wyatt. We have so much coming in the few days ahead as we prepare for Luke to arrive. Yep, you read correctly, Luke. The other day we officially decided on the name of our first son, Lucas Michael Grimme. Before we make a huge transition and our lives become significantly more tired and busy, I wanted to jot down some thoughts of what the Lord has been teaching me over the past few days...

Early in the pregnancy I learned very quickly that I was holding onto some major control issues. I didn’t like being out of control of my body - the weight gain, the morning sickness, the exhaustion. Nothing I could do on my own would make it stop or go away, and I really had to surrender (again and again) my physical body to the Lord. As the pregnancy progressed and I kept getting bigger, it has been a constant battle to be ok with how my body is changing and that it might not ever look like it did pre - pregnancy. It has been a blessing to learn and relearn that my body is the Lord’s, to be used for His glory, not my vanity. Our expected due date was February 2, though all along we’ve thought that the dr’s had it wrong and it would actually be January 31. January 31 came and went, February 2 came and went...and no Luke. Funny thing is, a dear friend of mine had her baby on February 2. Her due date was 2 weeks after mine. Then later in the day, we get another call...another friend is having her baby on February 2, and she was also due later than me. At first I was upset, thinking very selfishly, “No, this is my due date! And I don’t show any sign of any baby coming out!!” And then I got over it and rejoiced with them :) So Billy and I started taking matters into our own hands trying out every wives tale you can imagine - including castor oil. Nothing set me into labor. I found myself continually praying, Lord it’s fine...I just want him to be healthy and I want to be ok with whatever your plan is for us. I’m not sure that I really meant it though. We had an appointment Friday to see if there was any progress, and what do you know?! Nothing. We are scheduled to be induced on Tuesday morning after being “prepped” Monday night. It has been a little hard to swallow, but I am getting over it. Then, this morning. Another dear dear friend of ours called to let us know (drumroll please...) - she’s in labor!! When I heard the news, I was excited but again confused and shocked as to why not me. It’s not that I am feeling anxious or impatient. But the feelings of doubt and wondering what is wrong with me, my body and why can’t I make it do what I want it to do overwhelm my mind. And then the Lord graciously reminded me in the midst of my selfish and prideful thinking .... surrender. It’s not about me. At all. It has nothing to do with my own strength or my own power, it has to do with the Lord’s amazingly perfect timing, which far surpasses my own plans. It has to do with the Lord bringing our son into the world when He sees fit. So once again, I threw my hands up this morning while making the bed (and shedding a few tears) and surrendered. I am done trying to make Luke come out, and trying to understand why. It doesn’t matter really. The fact is, God is sovereign and I am not. And no matter what, it is His glory that counts and when He brings Luke, His miracle that He created on His timetable, into the world...we will rejoice with Him and praise Him for His goodness. Last night while I was taking a break to read and relax a little, this verse hit me...I want to live freely and lightly.