Thursday, November 5, 2009

Thankful for His giving

Lame = calling this a "blog" seeing as I have written 2 (going on 3) posts in the past 5 months. Sometimes I don't think I have anything worth saying so I just opt not to write unless it's going to be something great. And I feel like this is going to be pretty great...b/c it's about Jesus and all He has done for Billy and I this past month. Today as I was driving and wondering out loud with the Lord I felt impressed to write about it.....So here it goes....

Let me preface (this might be a 2nd preface...)by saying for the past 6 months or so I have been begging of the Lord to make Himself known to me and to let my heart have a greater passion for Him. A lot of times my prayers would be, "Lord I don't feel like talking but will you help me love you more and make me want to talk to you again?" I felt like He wasn't answering, and honestly I started talking and praying that prayer even less because I decided it wasn't happening. I promise this will mean something in the end of this post :)

So among many of my sinful habits is spending money unwisely. And spending unwisely doesn't work well (as if it ever worked well?) especially when you have a baby coming. Last month I made some poor decisions with money we had. I guess my spontaenous nature...impulsive, rather....got the best of me and I had a blast shopping for maternity clothes and baby clothes. At the end of the month when Billy and I couldn't put anything in savings (which we had JUST talked about a few weeks before since we're trying to save for the baby) I felt SO convicted and really embarassed to talk to Billy about it. Not because my husband is controlling or would be angry, but because I was ashamed at how I used God's money. So this of course led to a budget talk and we (my husband tried to make it sound like he did the damage too - he is so kind that way...but really, it was my fault) decided that we both needed to tighten the reigns and really evaluate our hearts and surrender the budget to the Lord. I feel like we've had that talk a lot, but for some reason this time was different. Maybe because I was on board this time ;)

So - the budget talk....we moved to an envelope system. Yep, putting a certain amount of cash in an envelope and only spending what's in the envelope, no debit cards. Menu planning like crazy and eating what was in our house, making the most of everything in the freezer, fridge and pantry. We cut back on several "luxuries" in order to handle our money better. What's funny is that Billy and I thought it was about the money. Here are some crazy things God did to blow our minds and reveal new things to us that we never imagined would come from changing the way we spend money.

1- Without these "luxuries" my husband and I have truly had the best quality time and learning adventure since we've gotten married (and honestly, we've had a fantastic first year to begin with - so that's an extra bonus!).
2 - with the extra bills we had from the Dr and unexpected expenses throughout the month we were going to be about $550 short if we were going to put money in savings (which makes me laugh because having the option to save in itself is a blessing). Of course, we didn't have to put money in savings, but we felt like we should seeing as we're having a baby and all. Well, in overpaid medical bills (from 3 months ago), extra income from Billy's work, and rebates from switching to a different phone service...God provided the exact amount we were going to be short so we still got to put in savings what we felt He was leading.
3 - I've really wanted to start purchasing the fabric for the nursery but we've held off this month and decided we would buy it later in November. Well, we overpaid another bill and got another check back that is going to be almost to the dollar of what the bedding will cost. Should I be surprised at His goodness and timing?
4 - When I quit work to stay at home it will cost Billy $195 out of his paycheck to add myself and the baby on for health insurance. A family friend called us on Monday and said (not knowing ANYTHING about our situation) that she could refinance our home and lower our interest rate enough to save us $200/month. Not to mention having 2 months free of a mortgage - the same time the baby is due. Again - why am I surprised that He would do this???
5 - I have not purchased clothes in over a month (that's big for me...) and I have had 2 weeks worth of clothes without having to repeat an outfit...I don't have a problem repeating what I wear, but I think God wanted to show me that I really didn't need anything else and that I had way more than most of the world.
6 - our refridgerator and freezer literally multiplied in food. Jesus fed the 5000? He also fed the 2.5 in my home and had tons to share and save in the freezer for when I don't feel like cooking or if our envelope has no more grocery money in it. I honestly didn't know what to do with all the food that kept appearing in my house. It's like I would make a lasagna, and somehow it made two so we had an extra to throw in the freezer. What normally would only feed us for one meal suddenly started turning into lunch leftovers. Either God shrunk my husband's appetite or multiplied our food...both would be miracles ;)
7 - God laid it on our hearts to start supporting an old friend that's going into the ministry, even though our income is decreasing (and we battled really hard with the Lord that since our income was decreasing then our tithing could decrease...) - guess what? We had extra money after supporting our friend to pay for another friend (who is out of a job, doesn't know Jesus and isn't plugged into a church) to join the SBF soccer team with Billy - awesome outreach.

At first we both thought it was about the money. We needed to prepare and be ready for the baby. We needed to have 3 months of income saved up in case Billy loses his job. We needed to stop spending frivelously in order to prepare for the baby and to save 3 months income in case Billy lost his job. It was all about "wasting" money - which is a GREAT thing to learn. And I believe God wanted to show us that. But really, it was about trusting Him. It was about leaning on Him and turning to Him for all that we need. It is walking into the days ahead fully believing that when our bank account doesn't add up to what our expenses are going to be, He is going to provide in ways we couldn't imagine. He challenged us to a new level of generosity and reminded us that it's ALL His. The fact that I have the option between maternity clothes and non-maternity clothes is a blessing...so many people do without. We had food on our table for 3 meals a day for every single day of the month - and I complain that we don't make enough money sometimes? Billy has been searching for new jobs because we have been concerned that after I quit we won't make enough money to cover everything. Last night when we were talking we both agreed that right now, we hope God doesn't give Billy a new job because watching God provide in these ways is too sweet to pass up right now. I'd rather watch God provide like this for the rest of my life than to have Billy get a new job that keeps us living "comfortably."

So - the beginning of my post...Lord would you show yourself to me?? As I look back on this month and see his fingerprints on every single day, I think this is His reply: "Is this clear enough? I just wanted you to know that I'm Awesome and I want to provide for you. So stop trusting in yourself and turn to Me - that's when you will find Me and see Me again."

That's all for now, friends.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Distracted..

I've been sitting at my computer since 8:00 trying to write a book report and have written 4 sentences. Can we say distracted?

Let's see, a lot has happened since I last posted. Tomorrow I will be 14 weeks, entering my 2nd trimester! I can't believe it. I'm starting to perk up a bit and the throwing up is finally coming to an end...praise the Lord! Thankfully, I have not had it nearly as bad as others and it was still manageable and didn't keep me from carrying on my daily activities...just had to run and take a few breaks every now and then :) I'm hoping I will start to feel the baby flutter in the coming days/weeks...I can't imagine what it will be like to feel our baby move inside of me, though it is oh so tiny. Each week as we read what is going on with baby it is so amazing to think that from the very beginning God is so intricately involved in every detail, and cares so greatly about every last thing. This week: Baby is about the size of a clenched fist, might be sprouting some hair, and weighs about an ounce. We have a Dr's appointment tomorrow and I'm excited to hear our precious one's heartbeat again.

Oh Canada... This morning as we were singing to the Lord in Worship, the words "Mighty to Save" never hit my heart more (ok maybe one other time, but this morning was pretty powerful too). Our God, the God who sovereignly and graciously chose to adopt Billy and I into His loving arms is the same incredible and mighty God that has a heart and love for the people of Canada, specifically the native people we ministered to in Pincher Creek. He has a plan for Pincher Creek, and has given Billy and I a burden for that place.

Let me back up for a minute: God laid it on our hearts to take a team of our youth at SBF to Canada where Billy has been involved with missionaries for the past several years. This would be a) totally new to SBF to send out a short-term mission team and b) totally new for Billy and I to do anything related to youth ministry. It was a week full of service, growth, heavy hearts for the native people in Canada, learning, and worship. For me, it was absolutely incredible to see my husband's heart for a place that he's always talked about but I've never been able to experience. Over the years of our dating, engagement and marriage relationship I've gotten glimpses of his experiences and his passions for the natives in Canada. But to go with him and to serve with him in that capacity was aaaaamazing.

So the journey begins. Billy and I, along with our awesome youth director, Jarrad Giles, took 9 of our high school SBF students to Canada to serve as camp counselors to middle school native americans for a week of summer camp. On one hand, it was great because we got to stand on the outside and observe, spend quality time with the missionaries that direct the organization, and serve as a support system for our youth team. On the other hand, it was hard not being able to build relationships ourselves with the native students. But God, in all His sovereignty, had such a plan for our youth team and we watched them grow and serve in ways we never imagined. One gal in particular was the youngest of our SBF team - both in age and in her relationship with Christ - and she became the strongest leader of the week. She rose above the typical view of a 14 year old and dedicated her time and heart to loving on these native middle schoolers. One night she was able to share her testimony to the entire camp and it was like hearing the words of the Lord flow out of her mouth. Jarrad, Billy and I stood in amazement and couldn't stop praising the Lord for His good works in her life and the way He chose to use her to speak to the native girls. Many parents have told us that their kids (the ones that were part of our team) are totally different after serving in this capacity. We saw students finally come out of their shells and embrace what God had for them throughout the week, we saw students that were completely overwhelmed with being homesick and by the end of the week they didn't want to leave. We saw our students pour their hearts out to the natives like never before. At the end of the week, 4 girls prayed to receive Christ with their cabin counselor. As one boy was getting in the van to go home at the end of the week, he came up to his counselor and said, "I want to be a Christian." As Jarrad has been teaching the students at SBF, they are capable of going beyond societies expectations for "teens" and living up to do hard things. We were so blessed and priveleged to witness this group of 9 "teenagers" rise up and be leaders for Christ's name. It was beautiful.

What next? Great question. Billy keeps telling me he wants to move to Canada and I can't decide if he's serious or trying to see how I will respond...Probably both :) He has such a heart for these people and when we were there it was obvious he felt at home and felt like he was with his family. We believe God has a future for us and Canada but we're not sure how it will pan out and what it will look like. For me, God took my heart down a different avenue. We had the opportunity to get to know two precious native children, Mailan and Marlena. They are foster children to the missionaries that started the camp. The missionaries have been taking care of them since they were 1 and 2 years old (they have tried to adopt but because they are white, the native people will not allow them to adopt native babies). They have pretty severe FASD but have been loved on and raised in a Christian home for the past 6 years and it is obvious there is fruit of their dedication and sacrifice. After spending the week with them and then watching all the native middle schoolers on the camp, my heart broke for the native babies living on the reservation or those that will be born into it. I have never had a heart for adoption and I always felt like something was wrong with me because I didn't - but I think it is because God was waiting for the right time and people group to introduce me to. I want to take care of those children before they loose their innocence and before they are started down the same exact path of their parents. I want to love on those girls and boys that are born into a life filled with depression, addiction, abuse, and more often than not, suicide. You might be wondering how we could adopt native children if there are laws agains white people adopting them...well, my mom is part Indian which means that there is a percentage of me that is also Indian, meaning I could technically register as a percentage which could qualify us as candidates. I believe God is going to use this to allow us to bring home native children and share the love of Christ with them.

So - all that to say: The trip was incredible. God did amazing things. God has given Billy and I very specific burdens for people groups in Pincher Creek, Canada and we're not sure how that will unfold in the future, and we are ok with that.

I'm learning that maybe I should write more often and then the entries wouldn't be so long :)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A little polka dot...

Today, I am 5 1/2 weeks pregnant with our baby! Such a tiny little dot growing inside of me...what a miracle. My first Dr's appointment was yesterday and it was a little overwhelming, but fun at the same time :) Our due date is February 2, 2010!

It's been almost a year since Billy and I said our vows and committed our lives as one to our Savior. It was a joyous day and celebration... Shortly after our honeymoon began a journey into trusting every aspect of our lives to Christ...something we thought we had covered.

How we got here...

Shortly after Billy and I got engaged we decided I should go on the pill to get my body used to it before our wedding night. We had saved ourselves for our wedding day so the idea of contraception and prevention was pretty new to the both of us. I went into my dr's appointment very unaware and uneducated on the choice I was making, and willingly took whatever prescription she wrote. About a month after we got married we started to question our motives for going on the pill and what it was doing physically to my body. God is the one that open and closes the womb, He is the Author of Life...Did we really think that WE were (or should be) in control of bringing LIFE into this world? Children are seen all throughout scripture as blessings. Was our reason for going on the pill only so that we wouldn't be "inconvenienced?" We said we weren't ready...but if that's the case, would God really give us a child if it were more than we could handle? God had proved over and over that He will provide for us and never abandon us, yet we felt that we needed more money. As we began to evaluate our reasons for preventing and our reasons for using the pill, we were overwhelmed with how selfish our motives were. Throughout Scripture we see that children are blessings from the Lord, and we were telling the Lord that we wanted to take matters into our own hands and say "no thanks" to the blessings He may have in store for us at this time....


WAIT! You're probably thinking...holy moly, are they going to be like the Duggar's and have 18 kids?! What we're not saying is that prevention is wrong. We're also not saying that we want to have 18 kids :) What we are saying, though, is that we chose to go on the pill for all the wrong reasons. We selfishly wanted to live life for ourselves, and part of that included keeping God out of the plan of having kids. For us, it was a trust issue. By God's grace, He provided a sermon at the perfect time one Sunday morning. We had been spending so much time in prayer before our Lord asking Him for answers on our next steps. I'll never forget hearing our pastor talk about stepping out and trusting God with the big stuff, the things we want to hold on to. Billy looked at me and we knew, we needed to surrender control to this aspect of our lives.

Over the next few months I kept getting really scared that I was pregnant right away. I kept worrying and wondering every month when it was time for me to start. I was afraid it would all happen to soon. Then it got to the point where I wasn't pregnant right away so I started to worry that I couldn't get pregnant. It was like the flipside of the trust issue...Ok, Lord, we've trusted you with this and we trust that You know the best timing, but why hasn't it happened yet? I wasn't trusting that He would give us children in His time if that was His plan.

One night I was so sick of worrying and I finally laid in the bed (Billy was away for work) and I put my hand over my belly and said, "Lord take it...I want it to be yours and I don't want to worry anymore. I want to trust you completely and I give it to you." A few days later after some unusual symptoms, Billy and I started to wonder if I was pregnant...

After asking a few nurses at church if it were too early for me to take a test, I went for it! Billy was at the movies with some friends really late on a Sunday night and I decided I'd just go ahead and take a test that Billy had bought earlier that day. Slowly but surely, a blue positive started to appear! I took another one to be sure, and yep...another blue positive! I tried to think of something creative and fun to do for Billy to let him know he was going to be a DAD but I was just so overwhelmed with the positive that I just paced back and forth for a while. Then I heard the door open and I ran downstairs and just blurted it, "I'm pregnant!!" He looked at me to see if I was kidding, and when he realized I wasn't he started smiling and laughing from ear to ear. We shared the next few moments together in shock but so incredibly amazed and excited. I was a little sick to my stomach so he made me some noodles and butter and we sat on the couch and talked for the next two hours. It was such a sweet and precious time for us.

So here we are...amazed, excited, grateful and overwhelmed!! As I look back through this part of our marriage I can see God's hand all over it. In the beginning He let us cross paths with several people who were wondering through the same thing, which was so neat to talk and pray through together. He gave us that sermon at the perfect time that helped us take the step in trusting Him with it all. He allowed Billy and I to get adapted to Billy's new travel schedule (every week) before all the new hormones came.. An awesome job opportunity came up yet I felt like the Lord continued to tell me "No" to the position (even though I REALLY wanted to say yes)...now we know why :) The timing of our pregnancy allows me to finish up my last semester in December and still have time to get ready for baby! He has given Billy new opportunities at work which will make it easier for me to stay at home with our baby. All of these details He cared about and He knew the best timing! Looking at those details reminds me over and over that He has the best plan for us. It has been hard, but such a blessing to trust in Him for all things.

I promise I won't write so much next time...