Since the dramatic (and slightly traumatic) birth of our son, Luke, we have been bombarded with hospital bills. I think every day we get a surprise in the mail. Thankfully, we have insurance, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to meet every out of pocket max for each member of the family by April 15. Because of the big bills we’ve really had to watch our money wisely, more carefully than before, which is especially hard for me. I like to buy things, namely clothes or baby items, but I’ve had to crack down on my spending habits. Lately I’ve really wanted to get Luke a different diaper bag. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, right? I don’t really like his and it makes me frustrated every time I have to use it - it folds up or I can’t find something in one of the 183 pockets on the inside. I’ve been looking very specifically and some LLBean totes with his name on it, but have been reminded by my dear husband that it wouldn’t be wise right now and hospital bills or getting out of debt might be higher on the list :) Tonight, some sweet friends came to visit Luke for the first time. And would you believe, that their gift to Luke happened to be the very LLBean bag I’ve been looking at for a month? And I can assure you that I did not tell them or anyone else about it. Even though it’s such a small thing, it reminded me that God cares even about the small day to day stuff...Praise Him. I can’t help but smile every time I see those little letters on Luke’s new bag :)
Monday, April 5, 2010
First day of intentional gratitude
I was challenged this week by a friend’s precious list to start living with intentional gratitude. So many times throughout the day my prayers to the Lord look like this:
“Lord, please let him sleep...”
“Lord, please bring him home safely...”
“Lord, give me patience.”
“Lord, help me to be a servant right now.”
“Lord, help me fall asleep.”
Yet He has given me SO much and I often forget to spend time thanking him throughout the day with intention. So here we go:
Lord, thank You for...
1-Luke’s first intentional sweet smiles this morning.
2-a hot, QUIET shower, without any crying in the background :)
3-grandparents so close and the my opportunity to go grocery shopping this morning knowing Luke was getting snuggled by a loved one.
4-friends that want to pray for us.
5-technology and being able to communicate with Billy in various ways while he is on the road traveling.
6-peace while Billy is traveling. And my sweet friends and family that take care of me while he is away.
7-the fabulous hot chocolate I had last night.
8-being there, always, and giving me energy in the middle of the night.
9-Your words the other night reminding me to long for you alone. And thank you for a message the next morning that hit that truth home even more. Your timing is perfect.
One month ago today...
Billy and I with our boy, Lucas Michael, on Saturday, February 13...the day he was discharged out of the NICU into our room :)
One month ago today, our precious son, Lucas Michael, was born. The first two weeks I didn’t want to think about our story. It was rough and hard to think about for a while. But I have been replaying our birth story over and over in my head for the past two weeks thinking, “I need to write this down so I don’t forget.”
In church we just finished a series titled, I Will. It was awesome and once again challenged Billy and I to step out and trust God in new ways. When I think back on our birth story and the weeks following I am reminded of the children’s song that we have referenced multiple times throughout our series at Southbridge Fellowship that I single daily to Luke: My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there is NOTHING my God cannot do. This is the essence of our story...get ready, this is going to be a long one :)
I was induced on Monday night, my water broke on Tuesday morning. Everyone says that it’s a huge gush. No gush action here. First clue of the day: Baby is way over due. They broke my water again later in the day. Again, no huge gush. Hardly anything. 2nd Clue of the day: baby is way overdue. Because of this and the color they knew that Luke had a BM in my womb and would have to have the special care nurses come in after delivery to help with cleaning him off - no big deal, it happens often....
Throughout the day the Dr’s and nurses would feel my belly and guess how much Lucas weighed. Everyone guessed in the 8 lb 3oz range, estimating that he was very long but very lean. Around 11:00 am they decided they were going to increase my petocin significantly because Lucas still wasn’t dropping and I was exactly where I had been for the past 4 weeks....nowhere. My contractions thus far were really mild, but something kept telling me “Get the epidural just in case...” Praise God. The epidural was quite a pain (heh) and after the 2nd try getting it in and a wet drip that caused a migraine and vomiting for the next three hours, I was pain free and getting ready for pushing... After two hours of pushing, this is what I remember: “SHOULDERS!” - nurse slams a button, jumps on my stomach, 3 more nurses come running in, lots of blood, and everyone screaming “PUSH!!!” I close my eyes because the look on Billy’s face is slightly frightening...I scream back, “I am pushing...and so is the girl on my stomach and the three other nurses!!!!” Then I remember a vacuum and my Dr’s hands reaching in and pulling Luke on out - can we say praise the Lord I got an epidural??? He didn’t cry at first, which is good because of the meconium he was covered in. They tried to remove all that they could, but it was too late. On his way out he got stuck on my pubic bone (hence the “SHOULDERS!”) and inhaled a ton of it. I got to hold our son for a minute, and then they took him away. Billy decided to go with him just in case - not knowing the extent or severity of his issues. Oh - and when they weighed him, we did NOT have a 8 lb 3 oz. baby...try 9 lbs. 5 oz. Again - praise the Lord for the epidural.
After they took Luke out they had a lot of repair work to do on me, but they gave me a ton of pain medicine so I was happy as a clam. Looking back, it was kind of eery and I’m sure my family thought I was insane - my son was just taken to special care because he can’t breath on his own, I lost 1/3 of my blood, they’re using 6 spools of stitches to fix the damage...and I’m smiling and giggling telling everyone, Lucas Michael is here!! I think I even put on lip gloss and some powder to freshen up as they were taking care of my stitches??
I told you this was going to be long :)
A few hours later everything started to sink in. Billy was wonderful and stayed with our son while I got some food and my family came in to see me. He was very careful with the pictures and information he sent me until he was able to be in our room without any company. That night around 11:00 after all family was gone and Billy and I had a change to eat and talk about our excitement and the fact that our little boy was here (though still in special care) the neonatologist came in. The look on his face = not good. at all. He pulled up a chair and starts telling us everything that’s going on. Luke wasn’t able to get a full breath because his lungs were completely coated in meconium. He was so worked up and his body was trying so hard that it was like he went into distress. They decided to sedate him and were forced to intubate him and put him on 100% oxygen. Then the kicker - they didn’t think they had the type of facility that Lucas needed so depending on his status over the next hour or two, they would likely need to transfer him to UNC or Wake Med. While mom stayed at the hospital to recover. They estimated that the earliest time of Luke being able to come home with us would be 10 days. As it started to sink in I was just kind of shocked. I think I was more concerned about not being able to go home with him than the oxygen thing...and then the pediatrician came in. Pulled up a chair, and broke it down for us even further. At that point I think all meds started to wear off my brain and Billy finally processed with me everything that happened and that was taking place. After the pediatrician left, Billy came to the bedside and knelt down by me to pray. We closed our eyes...and silence. Nothing came out except tears. Our little boy was truly fighting with every bit of his body to try and breath on his own but just couldn’t get it. We cried out to the Lord, we asked very specifically that He would breath LIFE into Luke’s lungs, that He would heal our son and do only what He can do, that the only explanation of our son recovering would be the Lord’s mighty hand.
Through the night we slept what we were able but around 3:00 am I started to feel every bit of what happened in the previous hours. My body felt like it took a beating and NONE of the pain meds were working. I was shivering and couldn’t find any way to lay, stand, or sit that would relieve any pain. My nurse decided to take a look at everything to make sure nothing was wrong - good thing she checked. She noticed a small hematoma, which can be common and wasn’t a huge deal. But as the morning went on and I couldn’t manage to go to the bathroom, the pain only got worse and worse. For a couple hours I just laid in the bed shivering and trying to take deep breaths hoping that maybe I could relax enough to just fall asleep.
That morning at 9:00 am, the neonatologist came in and said, “We were able to take Luke off the intubator, he’s breathing on his own.” What a very specific and incredible answer to prayer! The next few hours were pretty critical. He was still under an oxygen hood and was having some assistance with the breathing, but the fact that they could remove the intubator was way more than the dr’s anticipated. My God is so great, so strong and so mighty...yep, you know the rest :) There is NOTHING my God cannot do.
A few hours later my wonderful nurse came in to see if I’d gone to the bathroom. When she realized I hadn’t gone to the bathroom yet, she quickly drained my bladder - over 1 liter!! I felt SO much better. The pain started decreasing immediately and I started to feel normal. I was determined to go visit our son. I got dressed and ready, and was feeling pretty good...considering :) The Dr’s and nurses down the hall kept saying, “Wow, Lily you look wonderful like a new person!” They were cheering me on as Billy pushed me down the hall in the wheel chair - the staff in our pod was always such an encouragement to us. We got to visit with Luke a little bit and my dr. decided to follow us. She started asking me several questions while we were visiting with Luke and for whatever reason, based on my answers, she decided she wanted to start monitoring my blood levels and immediately put me on IV antibiotics. Every two hours I was getting blood drawn. Praise the Lord for such an attentive Dr...my blood levels were rapidly dropping. That hematoma that was previously oh so little, started filling up with blood as soon as my bladder was drained. As the afternoon and evening went on, it was very obvious that I was losing blood. I wasn’t able to stay awake or focused to even have a conversation with my dr. and I couldn’t hold Luke for more than 5 minutes before my eyes would start to close. Just as soon as our son began to turn around it was like I started fading faster and faster. The next Dr. on call came in with scrubs on and broke it down for Billy and I after they did a CT scan...my hematoma was the size of a sheet of paper. It looked as though it had stopped bleeding but in order to turn around I would need a 2 pint blood transfusion to restore all that I’d lost. If the blood transfusion didn’t work, then I would go to surgery in the morning and they would seal it, then drain it. If it did seal off on it’s own, then we would watch to see if I could get by without an infection - 25% chance. If I got an infection, they would go in and drain it. After he left I just cried and cried...again? Something else? I finally start to feel better, and something is wrong. My son is doing better yet I’m not even strong enough to hold him or talk to him because after 5 minutes of anything I feel faint. Through the night it was a waiting game - checking my blood every 2 hours while getting the blood transfusion. Seeing how my white cells and my HH levels were doing. I slept through pretty much all of it and in the morning I anxiously waited for the Dr’s report. We did it...we made it through the night and my hematoma stopped bleeding! Again...God carried us through and stopped the bleeding. Throughout the day I really did start to feel a significant difference in the pain as well as my energy.
The next amazing thing - our son was moving out of the NICU into the “lesser” NICU - for us that was a big deal :) He was completely off of all oxygen, was breathing totally on his own, his lungs were free of the meconium, and he was alert as can be. When we went in to go visit, the neonatologist wanted me to try and nurse him - what?! A - there’s no way I have any milk seeing as I have been without most of my blood for the past 24 hours, and B - he’s been on IV fluids and lipids, sucking a passy for the past 48 hours...there’s no way he’s going to be able to nurse. Wrong and Wrong - against ALL odds, he learned to nurse immediately and I randomly had milk to give him. All together now - My God is so great...so strong and so mighty.... :)
Again monitoring my white blood count and my HH levels, things were looking pretty good but we were just trying to stay out of the 25% and get past the infection zone. Our Dr. came in to talk with us and said we would likely be discharged on Sunday or Monday depending on how I did through the weekend. Billy and I were spending a ton of time in the NICU with Luke and loving every minute of it. I was still trying to regain strength but it was so wonderful to finally get to hold and take care of my little one. Then, it was like Christmas. The neonatologist discharged Luke to our room...and an hour later, our Dr. came in and said we could go home that day....!!! There is NOTHING my God cannot do.
We are now home, 1 month later...and it has been a joy. The first couple weeks were pretty uncomfortable but God has been so gracious and so faithful in bringing Billy and I through this. Looking back at our nurses and dr’s, we would not have made it without them...they were truly incredible not only medically, but what an amazing support and encouragement they were to us the entire time we were there. God provided a huge support of family and friends that covered us in prayer during our stay and lifted myself and our son up to the Lord. We truly believe that our story is an amazing testimony of our sweet and powerful heavenly Father who walked us through every step of the way.
Many have wanted to blame our dr’s or wonder how this happened and why they let me go so long. My pregnancy was pretty textbook (minus the first 20 weeks of morning sickness...). I never measured above average, the first two ultrasounds were pretty normal, just a couple days off here and there (which is normal) and my body showed absolutely no signs of delivering any time soon. They did a fetal stress test late in my pregnancy, extra labs and an extra exam after a little bleeding and everything was normal. I always felt that I was further along than I was on paper, but I had nothing to show for it, so they kept the original due date. After looking at him, his size, his development, they are estimating 2-3 weeks late. We truly believe that the Dr’s took magnificent care of us and that with everything Luke and I both went through, they were the best practice for the situation and we would hands down allow them to deliver our next child.
So why am I sharing all these lovely details with you? Because I hope you will see that God, the creator of all things, the great physician, the great I AM, the wonderful counselor... should receive all the glory for our story. He brought Billy and I into this world, He reached down and chose us as HIs children and saved us, He allowed us to meet and He brought marvelous people into our lives to encourage and build us up before we were married. He has given us a community of friends and family that are constantly challenging and building us up in our faith...and now, He allowed us to give birth to our son Luke, and despite the insanity that happened while we were in the hospital, we were able to find trust in Him because of all that He has done for us in the past. He provided excellent nurses and dr’s, he took our son off oxygen and discharged him faster than any dr. in that hospital would have expected, he kept me from having surgery and with every single thing that came up, He blasted us with His goodness and kept our eyes on Him.
This past Sunday we sang a song, Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus. And friends, what a sweet sweet blessing it was during this trying time to truly trust in Jesus.
I Surrender
Here we are, February 6, 2010. In the Grimme house it is just Billy and I (plus my belly) and of course, Wyatt. We have so much coming in the few days ahead as we prepare for Luke to arrive. Yep, you read correctly, Luke. The other day we officially decided on the name of our first son, Lucas Michael Grimme. Before we make a huge transition and our lives become significantly more tired and busy, I wanted to jot down some thoughts of what the Lord has been teaching me over the past few days...
Early in the pregnancy I learned very quickly that I was holding onto some major control issues. I didn’t like being out of control of my body - the weight gain, the morning sickness, the exhaustion. Nothing I could do on my own would make it stop or go away, and I really had to surrender (again and again) my physical body to the Lord. As the pregnancy progressed and I kept getting bigger, it has been a constant battle to be ok with how my body is changing and that it might not ever look like it did pre - pregnancy. It has been a blessing to learn and relearn that my body is the Lord’s, to be used for His glory, not my vanity. Our expected due date was February 2, though all along we’ve thought that the dr’s had it wrong and it would actually be January 31. January 31 came and went, February 2 came and went...and no Luke. Funny thing is, a dear friend of mine had her baby on February 2. Her due date was 2 weeks after mine. Then later in the day, we get another call...another friend is having her baby on February 2, and she was also due later than me. At first I was upset, thinking very selfishly, “No, this is my due date! And I don’t show any sign of any baby coming out!!” And then I got over it and rejoiced with them :) So Billy and I started taking matters into our own hands trying out every wives tale you can imagine - including castor oil. Nothing set me into labor. I found myself continually praying, Lord it’s fine...I just want him to be healthy and I want to be ok with whatever your plan is for us. I’m not sure that I really meant it though. We had an appointment Friday to see if there was any progress, and what do you know?! Nothing. We are scheduled to be induced on Tuesday morning after being “prepped” Monday night. It has been a little hard to swallow, but I am getting over it. Then, this morning. Another dear dear friend of ours called to let us know (drumroll please...) - she’s in labor!! When I heard the news, I was excited but again confused and shocked as to why not me. It’s not that I am feeling anxious or impatient. But the feelings of doubt and wondering what is wrong with me, my body and why can’t I make it do what I want it to do overwhelm my mind. And then the Lord graciously reminded me in the midst of my selfish and prideful thinking .... surrender. It’s not about me. At all. It has nothing to do with my own strength or my own power, it has to do with the Lord’s amazingly perfect timing, which far surpasses my own plans. It has to do with the Lord bringing our son into the world when He sees fit. So once again, I threw my hands up this morning while making the bed (and shedding a few tears) and surrendered. I am done trying to make Luke come out, and trying to understand why. It doesn’t matter really. The fact is, God is sovereign and I am not. And no matter what, it is His glory that counts and when He brings Luke, His miracle that He created on His timetable, into the world...we will rejoice with Him and praise Him for His goodness. Last night while I was taking a break to read and relax a little, this verse hit me...I want to live freely and lightly.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
38 weeks: Things I've Learned
(Dr. I think I have a stick growing out of my head...normal. Dr., I can't really get a full breath of air and my heart rate is really high, I feel very faint....normal. Dr., I think I am turning into an alien...normal.)
2. At this stage in the game, the overachiever tendencies are just not possible. Choose 1 thing a day to try and accomplish, and it is truly amazing if it actually gets done.
3. As great as you feel when you wake up in the morning, know that you WILL need a nap in the afternoon at some point...which might last until evening, which might even last until the next morning.
4. No matter how early you cut off the liquids at night, you will inevitably get up to go to the bathroom at least 3 times.
So far this pregnancy has been relatively easy, minus being sick to my stomach for the first 20 weeks. But honestly, I can't really remember how bad it was, I just know in my head that I was pretty miserable. But here we are, 38 weeks pregnant, expecting our son to arrive very soon. I'm feeling pretty good right now...some days are better than others, but again it's been fairly easy. I get tired, sure, but my back doesn't hurt and I don't feel like this kid has to get out right now or I might die. So I think that's a win, right?? It's hard to wrap my mind around all that has happened in the last few months of the pregnancy. In the midst of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years I somehow managed to stay energized (praise God) to finish up all my schoolwork for my undergrad and completed my last day of work on December 31st. HUGE sigh of relief. I feel like life has been on hold for the past semester. Things at home, things with my husband, things for the baby...it has all just been piling up for so long while I tried to balance working every day and then attending school multiple nights a week. I don't know how people manage all of that on top of having children in the house. Thankfully we don't have to find out :)
The past 2 weeks or so have been a huge adjustment but oh such a sweet time of learning. I am finally getting to do the things at home that I've longed to do since Billy and I got married. I find such pleasure in the simple things, like knowing my husband has a drawer full of clean undershirts or knowing that there are clean towels in the linen closet and fresh sheets on the bed (ask me how much I like laundry after a little one is here...might change a bit ;) ). I find such satisfaction knowing that when one of us opens the refrigerator there is something healthy and desireable to eat that is not growing scary colors on it. I love being available to take Billy to the airport and pick him up, providing a meal for him...I love serving my husband and our home. And as I sit here and think about how much I love it, I can't help but be reminded of God's grace and His perfect provision and portion for Billy and I at this time to allow me to not work outside the home. At first it was a tough adjustment, preparing months ago for a drop in income. But at the same time it has been truly a blessing for our marriage trusting in the Lord and learning to live without so many things we once had. I would gladly trade the extra cable package, extra clothing budget and extra money to eat out at fancy places for the opportunity to learn what God has in store for us during this season as I learn how to serve my home in the ways God asks of me.
So baby stuff...the room is almost "finished" and the many areas of our house that have been disorganized for the past 6 months are almost finished being organized. Billy opens a cabinet or drawer and says, "Seriously...another basket?" I guess I've kind of developed an obsession with baskets lately... anyways. We are getting "ready." I don't know what that really means, seeing as the next 20 years of our lives are going to be a total roller coaster of learning all God has in store to teach us as we try and figure out what on earth we are doing with this child He has given us. We like to talk at night about what he might be like, our son. Whether he'll look like Billy or myself, be quiet or talkative, and what it will be like to hold him for the first time. The other night Billy looked over at me and said, "I just can't wait to hold him...I'm jealous that you get him all the time, feeling him move and roll around and I don't get that." Ok, really??? I love that man. Though I have been around many many babies and children I still get anxious about having one of our own. I am not afraid of baby things, like baths, crying, bottles, poop...I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of that kind of thing. I am anxious, however, about being mommy all day every day, being totally responsible for this little one. Knowing that he is going to see (or not see) Jesus through my testimony on a daily basis is scary. He is going to understand Christ through the way my husband loves me and the way I respect my husband. And we mess up, a lot. And knowing that we are the ones he is looking to is hard to swallow. I'm fearful of the mistakes I know I will make. I do believe, though, that God has given women and mothers the wisdom to parent, so I am resting in His guidance and trying to choose trust in Him for wisdom on how to parent this baby. There are so many books, websites and parenting techniques out there...and that scares me. What if we choose the wrong one? What if we mess up? What if, what if, what if.... Thankfully we serve an awesome and sovereign God, and He will equip us with the wisdom and energy we need. And I keep coming back to the same thought over and over again: What did women do in the beginning??? They did not google anything...they didn't go to the library and check out a book on parenting techniques or how to schedule your baby. I am fully aware that I have no idea what motherhood will be like...BUT...people keep having babies, and they have been since the creation of man. And I can rest knowing that I am being carried in my Father's arms and that He will give me the strength and wisdom and encouragement I need in order to raise this child like He desires. So that is my prayer at this point as we wait in ancticipation for our son to arrive.
We are so excited to meet our sweet son and we are praying for humble and teachable hearts knowing that we are about to embark on an adventure that will change us forever. We are overwhelmed with all of our friends love and support and their excitement as well. So, 38 weeks and counting... until then, I'll be napping a lot :)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Thankful for His giving
Let me preface (this might be a 2nd preface...)by saying for the past 6 months or so I have been begging of the Lord to make Himself known to me and to let my heart have a greater passion for Him. A lot of times my prayers would be, "Lord I don't feel like talking but will you help me love you more and make me want to talk to you again?" I felt like He wasn't answering, and honestly I started talking and praying that prayer even less because I decided it wasn't happening. I promise this will mean something in the end of this post :)
So among many of my sinful habits is spending money unwisely. And spending unwisely doesn't work well (as if it ever worked well?) especially when you have a baby coming. Last month I made some poor decisions with money we had. I guess my spontaenous nature...impulsive, rather....got the best of me and I had a blast shopping for maternity clothes and baby clothes. At the end of the month when Billy and I couldn't put anything in savings (which we had JUST talked about a few weeks before since we're trying to save for the baby) I felt SO convicted and really embarassed to talk to Billy about it. Not because my husband is controlling or would be angry, but because I was ashamed at how I used God's money. So this of course led to a budget talk and we (my husband tried to make it sound like he did the damage too - he is so kind that way...but really, it was my fault) decided that we both needed to tighten the reigns and really evaluate our hearts and surrender the budget to the Lord. I feel like we've had that talk a lot, but for some reason this time was different. Maybe because I was on board this time ;)
So - the budget talk....we moved to an envelope system. Yep, putting a certain amount of cash in an envelope and only spending what's in the envelope, no debit cards. Menu planning like crazy and eating what was in our house, making the most of everything in the freezer, fridge and pantry. We cut back on several "luxuries" in order to handle our money better. What's funny is that Billy and I thought it was about the money. Here are some crazy things God did to blow our minds and reveal new things to us that we never imagined would come from changing the way we spend money.
1- Without these "luxuries" my husband and I have truly had the best quality time and learning adventure since we've gotten married (and honestly, we've had a fantastic first year to begin with - so that's an extra bonus!).
2 - with the extra bills we had from the Dr and unexpected expenses throughout the month we were going to be about $550 short if we were going to put money in savings (which makes me laugh because having the option to save in itself is a blessing). Of course, we didn't have to put money in savings, but we felt like we should seeing as we're having a baby and all. Well, in overpaid medical bills (from 3 months ago), extra income from Billy's work, and rebates from switching to a different phone service...God provided the exact amount we were going to be short so we still got to put in savings what we felt He was leading.
3 - I've really wanted to start purchasing the fabric for the nursery but we've held off this month and decided we would buy it later in November. Well, we overpaid another bill and got another check back that is going to be almost to the dollar of what the bedding will cost. Should I be surprised at His goodness and timing?
4 - When I quit work to stay at home it will cost Billy $195 out of his paycheck to add myself and the baby on for health insurance. A family friend called us on Monday and said (not knowing ANYTHING about our situation) that she could refinance our home and lower our interest rate enough to save us $200/month. Not to mention having 2 months free of a mortgage - the same time the baby is due. Again - why am I surprised that He would do this???
5 - I have not purchased clothes in over a month (that's big for me...) and I have had 2 weeks worth of clothes without having to repeat an outfit...I don't have a problem repeating what I wear, but I think God wanted to show me that I really didn't need anything else and that I had way more than most of the world.
6 - our refridgerator and freezer literally multiplied in food. Jesus fed the 5000? He also fed the 2.5 in my home and had tons to share and save in the freezer for when I don't feel like cooking or if our envelope has no more grocery money in it. I honestly didn't know what to do with all the food that kept appearing in my house. It's like I would make a lasagna, and somehow it made two so we had an extra to throw in the freezer. What normally would only feed us for one meal suddenly started turning into lunch leftovers. Either God shrunk my husband's appetite or multiplied our food...both would be miracles ;)
7 - God laid it on our hearts to start supporting an old friend that's going into the ministry, even though our income is decreasing (and we battled really hard with the Lord that since our income was decreasing then our tithing could decrease...) - guess what? We had extra money after supporting our friend to pay for another friend (who is out of a job, doesn't know Jesus and isn't plugged into a church) to join the SBF soccer team with Billy - awesome outreach.
At first we both thought it was about the money. We needed to prepare and be ready for the baby. We needed to have 3 months of income saved up in case Billy loses his job. We needed to stop spending frivelously in order to prepare for the baby and to save 3 months income in case Billy lost his job. It was all about "wasting" money - which is a GREAT thing to learn. And I believe God wanted to show us that. But really, it was about trusting Him. It was about leaning on Him and turning to Him for all that we need. It is walking into the days ahead fully believing that when our bank account doesn't add up to what our expenses are going to be, He is going to provide in ways we couldn't imagine. He challenged us to a new level of generosity and reminded us that it's ALL His. The fact that I have the option between maternity clothes and non-maternity clothes is a blessing...so many people do without. We had food on our table for 3 meals a day for every single day of the month - and I complain that we don't make enough money sometimes? Billy has been searching for new jobs because we have been concerned that after I quit we won't make enough money to cover everything. Last night when we were talking we both agreed that right now, we hope God doesn't give Billy a new job because watching God provide in these ways is too sweet to pass up right now. I'd rather watch God provide like this for the rest of my life than to have Billy get a new job that keeps us living "comfortably."
So - the beginning of my post...Lord would you show yourself to me?? As I look back on this month and see his fingerprints on every single day, I think this is His reply: "Is this clear enough? I just wanted you to know that I'm Awesome and I want to provide for you. So stop trusting in yourself and turn to Me - that's when you will find Me and see Me again."
That's all for now, friends.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Distracted..
Let's see, a lot has happened since I last posted. Tomorrow I will be 14 weeks, entering my 2nd trimester! I can't believe it. I'm starting to perk up a bit and the throwing up is finally coming to an end...praise the Lord! Thankfully, I have not had it nearly as bad as others and it was still manageable and didn't keep me from carrying on my daily activities...just had to run and take a few breaks every now and then :) I'm hoping I will start to feel the baby flutter in the coming days/weeks...I can't imagine what it will be like to feel our baby move inside of me, though it is oh so tiny. Each week as we read what is going on with baby it is so amazing to think that from the very beginning God is so intricately involved in every detail, and cares so greatly about every last thing. This week: Baby is about the size of a clenched fist, might be sprouting some hair, and weighs about an ounce. We have a Dr's appointment tomorrow and I'm excited to hear our precious one's heartbeat again.
Oh Canada... This morning as we were singing to the Lord in Worship, the words "Mighty to Save" never hit my heart more (ok maybe one other time, but this morning was pretty powerful too). Our God, the God who sovereignly and graciously chose to adopt Billy and I into His loving arms is the same incredible and mighty God that has a heart and love for the people of Canada, specifically the native people we ministered to in Pincher Creek. He has a plan for Pincher Creek, and has given Billy and I a burden for that place.
Let me back up for a minute: God laid it on our hearts to take a team of our youth at SBF to Canada where Billy has been involved with missionaries for the past several years. This would be a) totally new to SBF to send out a short-term mission team and b) totally new for Billy and I to do anything related to youth ministry. It was a week full of service, growth, heavy hearts for the native people in Canada, learning, and worship. For me, it was absolutely incredible to see my husband's heart for a place that he's always talked about but I've never been able to experience. Over the years of our dating, engagement and marriage relationship I've gotten glimpses of his experiences and his passions for the natives in Canada. But to go with him and to serve with him in that capacity was aaaaamazing.
So the journey begins. Billy and I, along with our awesome youth director, Jarrad Giles, took 9 of our high school SBF students to Canada to serve as camp counselors to middle school native americans for a week of summer camp. On one hand, it was great because we got to stand on the outside and observe, spend quality time with the missionaries that direct the organization, and serve as a support system for our youth team. On the other hand, it was hard not being able to build relationships ourselves with the native students. But God, in all His sovereignty, had such a plan for our youth team and we watched them grow and serve in ways we never imagined. One gal in particular was the youngest of our SBF team - both in age and in her relationship with Christ - and she became the strongest leader of the week. She rose above the typical view of a 14 year old and dedicated her time and heart to loving on these native middle schoolers. One night she was able to share her testimony to the entire camp and it was like hearing the words of the Lord flow out of her mouth. Jarrad, Billy and I stood in amazement and couldn't stop praising the Lord for His good works in her life and the way He chose to use her to speak to the native girls. Many parents have told us that their kids (the ones that were part of our team) are totally different after serving in this capacity. We saw students finally come out of their shells and embrace what God had for them throughout the week, we saw students that were completely overwhelmed with being homesick and by the end of the week they didn't want to leave. We saw our students pour their hearts out to the natives like never before. At the end of the week, 4 girls prayed to receive Christ with their cabin counselor. As one boy was getting in the van to go home at the end of the week, he came up to his counselor and said, "I want to be a Christian." As Jarrad has been teaching the students at SBF, they are capable of going beyond societies expectations for "teens" and living up to do hard things. We were so blessed and priveleged to witness this group of 9 "teenagers" rise up and be leaders for Christ's name. It was beautiful.
What next? Great question. Billy keeps telling me he wants to move to Canada and I can't decide if he's serious or trying to see how I will respond...Probably both :) He has such a heart for these people and when we were there it was obvious he felt at home and felt like he was with his family. We believe God has a future for us and Canada but we're not sure how it will pan out and what it will look like. For me, God took my heart down a different avenue. We had the opportunity to get to know two precious native children, Mailan and Marlena. They are foster children to the missionaries that started the camp. The missionaries have been taking care of them since they were 1 and 2 years old (they have tried to adopt but because they are white, the native people will not allow them to adopt native babies). They have pretty severe FASD but have been loved on and raised in a Christian home for the past 6 years and it is obvious there is fruit of their dedication and sacrifice. After spending the week with them and then watching all the native middle schoolers on the camp, my heart broke for the native babies living on the reservation or those that will be born into it. I have never had a heart for adoption and I always felt like something was wrong with me because I didn't - but I think it is because God was waiting for the right time and people group to introduce me to. I want to take care of those children before they loose their innocence and before they are started down the same exact path of their parents. I want to love on those girls and boys that are born into a life filled with depression, addiction, abuse, and more often than not, suicide. You might be wondering how we could adopt native children if there are laws agains white people adopting them...well, my mom is part Indian which means that there is a percentage of me that is also Indian, meaning I could technically register as a percentage which could qualify us as candidates. I believe God is going to use this to allow us to bring home native children and share the love of Christ with them.
So - all that to say: The trip was incredible. God did amazing things. God has given Billy and I very specific burdens for people groups in Pincher Creek, Canada and we're not sure how that will unfold in the future, and we are ok with that.
I'm learning that maybe I should write more often and then the entries wouldn't be so long :)